Hi. How’s life going with you, Schatz? Been a long time, huh?
I’ve been really fucked up recently. These past couple weeks were so rough for me. I think I have just awaken the monster inside me, again. I really have no idea.
When I said I really have no idea, I mean it. I don’t fucking know what the heck is going on with me. I thought I was just fine, but now I know, no. I am not. Don’t ask me why, because I’ve said this like thousand times, that I. don’t. fucking. know.
I wish I knew, I wish I could explain. But, no.
I need to let things out from my mind. I can’t handle this anymore. I wish I had someone to tell all these shits to, but no. I didn’t. But, no. I don’t have any. I could tell you this, but I couldn’t just tell you that. I’m basically separating things to tell to almost everyone I’m telling things to. And for the rest of it? I keep it for myself.
And all the thoughts I have in here, it’s killing me slowly. Have you ever heard me saying, “These overthinking kills me.” and I mean it. I don’t know whether I’m still alive, inside. I wish I know.
Maybe you’ve seen me being so emotionally unstable. I’ve been yelling a lot, I’ve been mad easily these days, I’ve cried myself to sleep like it’s my lullaby, I’ve have the thoughts (yeah, it’s back) to kill myself. Which drives me crazy, because it has gone for years, and now it’s back.
They told me, “You need some rest.”
Oh, of course. I do need some rest.
But that’s only for my body. Iya, ragaku sehat. Tapi, apakah begitu juga dengan jiwaku? That was still an unanswered question, yeah.
So there are most of the time, that I wish I could just go menghempaskan badanku ke arah mobil-mobil dan truk-truk yang melaju di jalanan Jatinangor. I even have the imagination, of seeing myself being terhempas jauh, tergeletak berdarah-darah dan tak bernyawa. And what’s bad thing after that? I have daydream. I can’t stay focus while walking, or while crossing the street. What is worse than that? I could have just lost my life.
I’m scared. The thought, that thought, has been hunting me for a while. I’m scared. I am. I am scared if I ever have the thought of fearing the death that much again. That was nonsense, that I didn’t really want to close my eyes and sleep, because I’m scared I’ll be waking up dead. For every single night, that time. I’m scared, I’m still scared of the death. But, life seems not friendly at all, for me. Why?
Sometimes I just wanna give up, and let the monster wins. It’ll then take over my body, no, my whole self. I guess, that’s the time when I lost the control and just let the cars or the trucks hit me. I guess.
This writing is nonsense. This writing is trashy. You shouldn’t waste your time reading this. But if you do, would you be my ‘friend’?
I have this question to almost every single person I met these days, “Would you find me a ‘partner’?” and by asking so, I mean.. a partner. Not just a so-called-boyfriend. A friend. A bestfriend. Whatever you name it. I do need it right now. Because I can’t no longer handle myself, and be friend with myself. I’m tired dealing with it. I know. Coward. Such a chicken, you say. I don’t love myself, and that’s why I’m looking someone to love it. But no one ever really does so. If I called myself a loveless, don’t fucking disagree. Because you also fucking don’t, ne?
So, dear Schatz. If someday I give up, … no. I’m too scared to finish the whole sentence.