Monbukagakusho? No. Not this year.

Hi. As I promised I’ll write something related to the Monbukagakusho thingy as I got the announcement, ne? So, yeah. This evening I got an email, right after I scrolled upon my LINE timeline and found a friend made a distressed status, and guess what she was a friend I knew from the interview test last Aug 18th.

Immediately I opened my email, of course, boom. There is a new message. Two actually, but the other one is unimportant, coming from twitter notification. That one that caught my attention is from Education Section, Information & Culture Embassy of Japan. Whoa. Alright. I’m fine. No, just kidding.

Heart beats faster, both of my hands are cold, but let’s just pretend that I’m fine. Yes, I am. I clicked on it, it’s open and I almost lost my breath. Yeah, I’m exaggerating you name it, but do you even know how it feels, it throws me back to SNMPTN and SBMPTN announcement for God’s sake.

There’s an attachment, I’m sure the list of those who got the scholarships. The lucky ones, who indeed deserve it.

1…

2…

3…

Download finished.

Save. Open.

I don’t feel like saving it, deep down in my heart screams no, so my finger moves to the “Open” one, though it’s written Zeigen since my phone is in Deutsch.

I take a deep breath. I can handle it, as I’m trying to comfort myself. I don’t want to feel like a failure, I don’t want to make my parents disappointed. I don’t. I know I don’t deserve it, perhaps I do but not right now, but deep inside the feeling of hoping almost kills me, instead.

Zoom, zoom, zoom. There are three names. I didn’t found mine, I let out another sighs. Disappointed. Thank God, there are no tears falling.

I screenshot the mail, telling those I called friends about it, and of course, Eu. But I still have no guts to tell my parents about it, I don’t want to disappoint them, yet I know they don’t put much hope in it knowing I’m not extraordinary.

Eu sent me these, “Well, if you still want it you can try again next year. In the meantime go do things. Focus on knowing yourself better, taking up new hobbies. You’re in university, like the most conducive place for growth. Also I know a person who got Monbu after 3 tries. So. *sent a hug sticker* Ganbatte, ne.” Sweet, and supportive. Thank you!

Random thing I did afterward was that I went on google, and typed “Sastra Jerman Universitas Padjadjaran” “Sastra Jerman Unpad” “Sasjer Unpad” as the keywords. Boom, found those blogs from seniors, and I was like whoa they might think I’m such a serious stalker but that was not it, really. As I read them, I forgot about it for a little while, and I feel a little grateful to be accepted here in Sastra Jerman Unpad, instead. At least I’m surrounded by those lovely people, through the rains and when the sun shines.

Yes, I’m still trying hard to let go of it, okay. I had a plan to hang out with friends as someone said he’s gonna treat us all, so why not. Beside I do know the things in my head won’t stay still, it’ll kill me knowing this, I have to run away. And as I’m writing this, it’s trying to come out and scream, I gritted my teeth and let out a smile.

Things were fun, we went to a Ramen shop, ate ramens together. Had such a conversations, watched funny videos, laughed together at silly pictures of us, we even talked about blogs and writings and omfg that was so so much fun, and there were actually lots of things we did and I’m glad I was fine. Thanks to them. Like, thanks I do mean it.

My close friends asked me to stay over, but I just don’t feel like it. It feels good to be around people when I’m feeling down but I need time to calm myself down, being all by myself is the only thing that could refresh me.

Point is, that I failed this year doesn’t mean I’m going to fail again next year. If you have a question whether I will still try the Monbukagakusho 2017, then the answer is definitely yes. It’s such my biggest dream to study abroad, and I will do whatever it takes to get it, to achieve it. I also have to tell my parents sooner or later about this, I can’t keep this all by myself, but I will return an up to 3.7 GPA for them, at least I have to make them proud. Being 18 and still got nothing like what am I doing with my life is so sad. I’m still no one.

I blabber much. People sometimes write or talk a lot when they’re sad, huh? No. I’m not that sad. It’s just I feel like I need to get these things out of my head before it kills me, so yeah. Monbukagakusho? No, not this year. The universe still saves me another cooler story, and my journey here just began, what do I expect?

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