Dear January

(This was another poem coming from being not good enough.)

Today I failed it again
Something I thought was fine
But darling, was I too vain?
To cause the tears coming rain
Hug me, I need and wipe away the pain
Will you instead of killing the brain
But darling, a heart it locked with a chain
The key is only we whisper the mind
Of those who ain’t cry but whine
But darling, am I one of the villain
White as pure as porcelain
For the sake of dignity wine
Hold me so I’m not jumping off the train

January 11, 2015.

Hi. I don’t really like January. Two times, two fucking years in a row, I failed on ‘something’ that might mean so much for me if I didn’t. A year ago it was erm I don’t know much about it but it happened to be something with the US Embassy and going to US for a month and I don’t know much all I knew was I failed it because I’m not good enough for it. And it happened again this year I couldn’t believe it I’m still being the same dumbass as I was in last year, shit. And, well I failed (again) the scholarship to erm New Zealand. Yeah, eventhough I’m not really looking for it (and even if I still have to pay a loooooot… even if I got it, erm it’s not a full covered scholarship like the biggest they would cover you is like around 50% or something I can’t remember and not caring anymore at all) but I had a feeling like I’ll pass it, I’ll get it (the test itself was not that hard for me and it went smoothly). But hey, I didn’t and I was being such a cry baby that I almost… erm well, I didn’t wanna say it but let’s just say I was totally fucked up. It’s really not good being not good enough for something you thought you were. But my fault, I put my expectation too high that I fell and hit the ground and it was all my fucking fault, God damn it. I was totally mad at myself, I cursed myself for being not smart enough, et cetera but well, after wrote the poem I felt much better and I think I really really need to improve my English (and myself as well) as it’s getting worse and worse. Yeah, that’s it. The story behind the poem I thought I’d never share.

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